My husband was supposed to be a stay-at-home dad. I had the career track, the benefits, and the drive. My child had other plans. Born just a day shy of 42 weeks, my daughter came into the world wanting one thing and one thing alone: Mama.
I have vivid memories of working 60 hours a week from home, with my infant daughter marathon-nursing on a pillow in my lap. I don't know how I made it through those three months (my thyroid didn't), but eventually I quit my job and became a full-time, stay-at-home, baby-wearing and future home-schooling mama.
I'd be lying if I said I've never looked back, but I don't have regrets. What it would have done to my child to spend much of her day away from me is beyond thought. I was her lifeline--she did not understand the world without me to interpret it for her. It's been ten years, and while much has changed for her, this is one area that has remained constant. I am still very much her anchor, her interpreter, her safety. It's not because I'm some kind of autism expert. It's not because I have all the answers. I mess up every day and take it to the playground more than I care to admit. I just know this child. I know all the subtle dynamics that can shift a good mood to WWIII. I know how deep she digs when she digs in, and I know how to find a way out when she backs herself into a corner. I also know that I am separate from her. It terrifies me honestly. To be so much for one person is the greatest honor, but it would be selfish of me and short-sighted to not think about her future.
A service dog won't provide all the answers. A dog will be more work, more inequity between her and her sister, another being to make space for. But the dog will give her someone else to plug into. Someone else to help her up when she falls--to lean into when the world seems stacked against her. I gave up the career track and I'd do it again in an instant. To be so much for her, to see her thrive and grow and knock down barrier after barrier because she has the support she needs is all the affirmation I could ever ask for. And one day, she'll have a leash in her hand and another layer of support to help her face the world with strength, stability, and courage.
